Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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