i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
