I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
