I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
