he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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