I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He better not be in your backpack
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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