this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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