Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
