My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
