I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
