Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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