chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
