Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize