Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
