I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
