I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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