The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
