Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i've created a new STD.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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