This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
