Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
