If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
