Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize