i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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