Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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