Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
