Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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