He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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