I got chris browned last night
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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