Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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