I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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