Don't you send me to vm
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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