I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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