Jerry, you need to find god
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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