it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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