Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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