my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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