I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
