maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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