Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
