My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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