am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
