so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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