I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
