Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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