yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize