the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
