Your face is a jimmy john
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
