I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
