I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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