Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
