perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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