I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize