Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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