His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
