worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
