Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
