He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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