Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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