Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
