you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
