my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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